The esteemed title of Dalai Napa is bestowed upon only one person on Earth at a time. He or she is chosen and appointed by the preceding Dalai, and the title is held for life, until the final nap, the Dirt Nap. He or she must be a gentle soul, skilled in the art of napping, knowledgeable in the ways of Napism. Because worldwide there are so many reasonably qualified candidates, to be chosen is quite an honor, quite a recognition of skill and soul.
The current Dalai Napa’s gentle outlook on humanity just might be summarized in only two short quotes, arguably his most famous:
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own naps.
Nap whenever possible. It is always possible.
The beneficial impact the successive Dalai Napas have had on the world cannot be ignored or understated. For nearly three millennia Dalai Napas have served mankind, in all societies around the world. Their combined historical influence on governments and societies, combined with the free flow of information through modern mass communication avenues (most recently, the internet), has created a near mythic reputation for both the preceding and current Dalai Napa.
(The following is part of a report commissioned by J. Edgar Hoover. Various altered versions of this have been floating around the internet and, before that, fax machines and, before that, mimeograph machines and, before that, typewriters. This has been around for decades, adapted to quite a few hierarchies. THIS is the original.)
The Public’s Perception of
The Dalai Napa
in Relation to Other Authority Figures
(and their natural leadership abilities)
Religious or Spiritual Figurehead (such as the Pope):
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound;
is more powerful than a locomotive;
is faster than a speeding bullet;
walks on water amid typhoons;
reviews policy with God.
Philosophical Figurehead (Buddha, Confucius, etc.):
Leaps short buildings with a single bound;
is more powerful than a switch engine;
is just as fast as a speeding bullet;
walks on water if sea is calm;
talks with God.
Government Figurehead (Presidents, Prime Ministers, etc.):
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds;
is almost as powerful as a switch engine;
is faster than a speeding BB;
walks on water in indoor swimming pool;
talks with God only if a special request is approved.
Family Figurehead (Spouses, Significant Others, Parents, other Family Members):
Barely clears Quonset hut;
loses tug-of-war with switch-engine;
can fire a speeding bullet;
is occasionally addressed by God.
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings;
is run over by the locomotive;
can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury;
talks to animals.
Employer or Work Supervisor:
Runs into buildings;
recognizes locomotives two out of three times;
is not issued live ammunition;
can stay afloat in a Mae-West if properly instructed;
talks to walls.
Over-Achiever, Caffeine Addict, and Energy Drink Aficionado (in toto, Non-Nappers):
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building;
Says, “Look at the Choo-Choo!”;
can point a finger and say, “BANG-BANG!”;
plays in mud puddles and wets himself;
mumbles to himself.
The Dalai Napa:
Lifts buildings and walks under them;
kicks locomotives off the tracks;
catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them;
freezes water with a single glance;
makes policy and enforces it;
HE IS A HALF-GOD!